It could have been me
by AAB
Summary: A case hits Harm very hard. Warning: talk about child abuse.


**It could have been me.**

_JAG HQ_

_Friday, 19:45_

The blinds of Harm's office were still closed but inside she saw someone sitting . Was he still in there? He should be glad, he won the case he had been prosecuting but she knew he wouldn't be. Not since it was such a horrendous case, involving the sexual abuse and murder of an 8-years old boy.

She hesitated. Should she go in or did he need the time alone? She decided to check on him anyway. After all, it was Friday, long after office hours and he didn't seem to do something, just sat.

Slowly she opened the door. He didn't look.

She walked over to him. He didn't react.

She laid her hand on his shoulder. He still didn't react. That worried her.

"Harm".

He looked up, smiled but it was barely a shimmer of his usual one.

"You're not going home? It's almost 20:00."

He nodded.

"Yes, I'm coming."

His voice sounded flat, lifeless. She frowned.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, just tired."

Together they left the bullpen, into the elevator and out of the building.

"Let's grab something to eat. What about a burger?" she challenged him.

"OK", he nodded, without further comment.

This worried her even more. Harm agreeing on a burger, without saying at least something about too much fat or dead animals, it definitely was not good.

Side by side they walked to the next Burgerking, Mac to order a burger and fries, Harm a salad and fries as well. They ate in silence. He still seemed very distracted, hardly noticing what he was eating. What could be wrong?

After diner they walked back to the parking lot. When they were about to drive off, Mac asked

"You're sure you'll be OK?"

"Yeah, I'll be fine."

_Saturday morning__,7:30_

_Outside Harm's apartment building_

Maybe she shouldn't do this, go and check on him. After all, he was a adult male. But she wasn't at ease; his strange behaviour the evening before still worried her. After parking her corvette she looked up towards his windows. Her suspensions confirmed his curtains were still closed.

When she knocked on his door, it took him a while to respond. What she saw shocked her. He looked terrible, unshaven, dark circles under his eyes like he hadn't slept at all and he had a clear hang over. Inside his apartment she could see the remains of at least one six-pack and she smelled the stench of stale beer.

Despite his reluctance she walked in. He didn't face her.

"I'm here to take you for a run."

He shrugged. "I'm not in the mood."

"Doesn't matter. You're going anyway." Although her hart bled out for him she knew she had to be firm.

"Take a shower, get shaved and brush your teeth. I'll make coffee… squid-style."

He managed a small smile and disappeared into the bathroom. She went into the kitchen, put on the coffee machine, opened the curtains and a window and started to tidy up the empty cans. When he reappeared she handed him a cup.

Despite his initial aversion they went to the park, did their warming up and started their weekly 5 miles. But once he was running, he ran like the devil was on his tail. She had a hard time to stay in pace with him but didn't complain. Two hours later they were back on the parking lot outside of his building. She panted heavily. They ran almost twice their usual distance.

"I'm sorry, Mac. I should have considered …" he started when he saw her exhaustion.

She shut him down. "Don't apologize, Harm. You needed it. And now you need to get some sleep. Go upstairs and take a rest. I'll drop by end of the afternoon. And don't worry about groceries, I'll pick something up on the way."

He shook his head, wanting to protest but again she shut him down. "Commander, that's an order."

He automatically came to attention. "Yes Ma'am" he answered, then pulled her into a hug. "Thank you," he murmured in her hair.

_Harm's apartment _

_Saturday afternoon_

At 16:00 she was back, carrying a large bag of groceries.

"All of your favourite rabbit food," she mocked when she loaded the fridge. He was looking a lot better, freshly showered, his hair brushed, the dark spots under his eyes almost gone. He even managed a real smile.

"I thought we might go out for a ride, maybe a walk somewhere at the countryside. I have a picnic basket in the trunk." she suggested.

To her relief he immediately agreed "Sounds like a plan."

_Somewhere outside Washington_

_Saturday, 19:00_

Side by side they lay lazily on a blanket, savouring the last of the contest of the picnic basket.

"Harm, you don't need to tell but what made you feel so terrible yesterday? Was it the case?"

At her question, he sighed.

"It could have been me, you know."

Mac just looked at him, questioning. He sat straight now and turned away from her. She didn't make him watch her, figuring that he might talk easier facing away.

"I was the same age, 8 years old and mum and Frank sent me to summer camp. It was the summer after they had married. I wasn't happy at all. I was angry with them, I felt sent-away and lonely. We slept in cabins, two boys in a room but my roommate had been sick and lay in another cabin. That was when he entered the room…"

He silenced.

After a while she asked "Who?"

"On of the camp's leaders. John Ribble was his name. I'll never forget. At first I thought he was just checking on me, making sure I wasn't uncomfortable being alone. But then he sat next to me, pulled the blankets away and started to unbutton my pyjamas."

Again he silenced. Mac wanted to reach out for him, but then he continued

"He touched me … and he made me touch his … made me touch him."

He suddenly rolled over, laid face down on the blanket, his face buried in his arms. She could see his shoulders shake.

Mac was shocked. First she didn't know what to do, then scooted next to him and started to stroke his hair, over and over again until he seemed to relax somewhat.

"Did you ever tell someone?"

He shook his head, still hiding his face in his arms.

"No. I felt so ashamed. I should have done … something ... say no … scream …. hit him, something. And in stead I just sat there and let it happen. Mum and Frank were on their honeymoon; they were not there. And I missed my dad … I was so sure he would have protected me …"

Mac felt the tears roll down her cheeks. For a moment she wasn't able to speak. Then she whispered "And now?"

"I did some research, yesterday afternoon, after Ribble. He is dead, killed in an accident six years ago during a police pursuit. They wanted to arrest him for child abuse."

He took a deep breath.

"I thought that it would bring some … closure, knowing that … but instead …."

He struggled to control his feelings while her hand continued to caress his hair. After a while he calmed down, sat straight again and wiped his eyes.

"I never told someone," he repeated.

When she kept silent, he turned towards her and saw the marks of tears on her face. Alarmed he grabbed her hands.

"I'm sorry, Mac, I shouldn't have bothered you with this."

She shook her head.

"Harm, that's what friends are for. I'm glad you told me. It is just … I'm so sorry for you."

A cloud drove before the sun and she shivered.

"You're cold. Let's go home."

_Harm's place_

_Saturday evening, 23:30_

He still was very silent but seemed to enjoy her company that evening. Now it was late and she didn't know what to do. Should she go home, should she offer to stay? Reluctantly she rose and headed for her coat.

He too seemed insure, then made up his mind.

"Mac, can you just … stay?"

She looked at him.

"Of course. If you like me to. It's a good thing marines are always prepared" she joked trying to lighten the tension. "Let me just take my overnight bag from the car." They both had an overnight bag in their trunks, in case they were sent on an investigation and didn't have time to drive by their homes.

When she returned he still wasn't at ease.

"You're sure you don't mind…?"

She silenced him with a finger on his mouth.

"Ssstt. Do you want me to stay?"

He nodded.

"Then I'll be here…" She didn't need to add 'for you', he knew.

He brought the cups and saucers to the kitchen while she used the bedroom. Then he brushed his teeth and went into the sparsely lighted bedroom. He crawled into the bed next to her, careful not to intrude her space. But she pulled him towards her, his head on her shoulder. He let out a heavy sigh while putting his arm around her waist.

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, kissed him on the top of his head and while she felt him drift asleep she whispered "Sleep well, Harm, you're safe now."

The End


End file.
